It’s been a while, I know. Again. It’s not that I was away doing something extra special or particularly nice, on the contrary, and it’s not that I forgot about the blog or blogging. Many things happened for sure, but even when there were breaks from the routine and when I tried to come up with something to say, I was confronted with that big scary blank page I couldn’t overcome. The roller coaster of negative emotions, illnesses and inability to deal with life as it is now for me affected my expression to a great extent. Whoever said that time alone heals, lies. I’ve also been trying hard to find any kind of paid job I could do online from home… the effort is without success, which is pretty discouraging and disappointing as well in a situation where there isn’t enough income. I tried writing a comeback story with highlights of the events from these past months, but I’m not succeeding in cutting a long story short or making it prettier to make it sound less like a rant. It will take me some more time, but I’ll complete it so that I could have a starting point for this comeback journey in which I’ll have to define a course this blog should take if I want to keep it in a more regular fashion. I want at least something to happily grow again in this sad life of mine filled with stagnation of everything I once did. The only thing I always do, every single day, is overthinking. I’m horrible at doing things in the physical world, while I could think and weave thoughts forever as it seems. There should be at least some use of it, at least there should be the joy of sharing them with the world.
Another comeback, just like another spring emerging out there in the fields, symbolized by these very first shy little daises. Hope.
Many things happened since I could last come actively here. I did try to blog from the phone, but that proved very challenging due to troubles with touch screen displacing and erasing things I wrote. It somehow didn’t seem meant to be, me and the WordPress. My mom was severely bitten by probably some spiders and developed a horrific reaction, we had a totally crazy tour of the clinics which would make a great story by itself. Now, almost 4 weeks later her leg seems a bit better, but it will obviously take a very long time to heal completely. My dog got bitten by two very mean dogs, the second time this year. My mom overdid with Easter preparations, but she wanted to do it as if dad were still here. It was somehow solemnly good, yummy and special, yet extremely sad. And on the top of it, tired like hell, I managed to cover half of the road to my dad’s garden by bus. Yep, I actually ENTERED the out of the city bus somehow. I don’t think I would have dared if my uncle who was spending Easter in the area didn’t mention that he would go half the way towards the city to by some fertilizers and that we could get of the bus and cut the road much shorter by his car. Having that as a chance to “escape” in case I panicked, I agreed – under sedation, there is no question about it. Every time I get there, my mind badly needs to pull my dad out of somewhere – out of his little wooden house, garden, from behind the trees… I watch and watch, but he’s nowhere to be found. Getting on the bus was hard also because my heart sinks when I see those little half broken buses, because in the last years my dad gave his best to use exclusively them to get to the garden and not the car in order to save. It was hard and strenuous, it is even for a much younger person, and I was nowhere to be found to help. And he had cancer, who knows for how long in these last years previous to the diagnose. Now I’m punished, he’s nowhere to be found. I constantly live in pain and have nightmares. I wouldn’t ask for any sort of help from him, just for his mere presence, to see him glad that I’m in the garden. That won’t happen, ever again, I’m punished for life. It’s been 7 months, and now I know – it will never stop hurting, as long as I live. It will just take many faces, that bundle of grief, some days will be a bit better, some much worse, but I will never be the person I was even just last July. We all change I know, even when nothing so extremely bad happens and we can never be who we used to be before, but my change is drastic. It affected so many areas of my life that I feel that I literally became somebody else, that I don’t belong to any of the places or among the people I once knew. I keep going in circles in the dark, searching for an answer who I am today and where and how to go from here. I so desperately want to understand, as if I could do something nobody alive ever managed to do – understand death.
There are many hurdles along this road and one of them is that nobody in my immediate surroundings want to talk about the dad or even just mention him. They feel that it is a wrong thing to do and that “distracting” me and my mom completely will help. Well, it doesn’t. It takes just one look in the mirror to remember, I am the infallible living proof that he existed. I want to talk, talking about him helps, it is all the part of the grieving process. Maybe some people feel better if they pretend nothing happened, keep it all inside and just go on minding their business when someone dies, but that’s not me. I need to verbalize emotions, to bring back old times, to remember things he said and did. People resist, I still say what is on my mind. Maybe they mean well after all, but they just don’t know how to talk about this kind of things. I know that they want an affirmative answer when they ask how I’m doing, but I’m not ok. Not even close. It’s all problems and pain. Saying that I’m ok won’t change that, but that’s all people accept to hear.
My aunt and uncle preferred to focus on the digital disaster part of the disastrous story, and as I explained that everything failed on me – computer, printer, scanner, phone charger etc. they remembered that they have an old laptop nobody uses which should still be in working state.
So we got this old, long asleep device going again, which caused many mixed emotions. I got used to not having a computer any more, so it both made me happy and sad somehow. It’s very old and half broken, but still it’s one of the nicest gestures towards me in months. I should have been happy when I got it going because that meant that I could blog again among other things and I accumulated ideas to talk about over time, but I was just blocked. Almost didn’t feel like coming back. Didn’t know what to say. If anybody would be interested. Also so much happens that I never have time for myself to properly concentrate on verbalizing thoughts. Then I came here and let the words flow, that was the best I could do. Also, I’m still getting used to this laptop, I can’t explain it, but things don’t seem the same from here, everything feels awkward, typing included. It has quite a bad screen, colors are very unreal which is not photo-friendly thing at all, but I still hung up a picture. Feels like having some form of color and contrast blindness, but who knows, maybe somebody out there will like it. It’s one of my dad’s peaches, I cried when I saw the bloom. He would love it. I wish I could know if he can see it.
Dad, they blossomed again, see how beautiful they are. It’s spring again, nature goes on as usual. Everything’s as it used to be, everything’s there where you left it, we just can’t find you… and we miss you so much, we would have so much to tell you. I hope you’re well, I wish I could just know you are. Love, Tanja
I’m really attached to this photo, I can’t really say why – is the balance of colors, the balance and harmony between the flowers and the bug, or it simply hit that right spot somewhere deep inside me, but even when everything else was shut into almost forgotten folders, this photo remained as a reminder of better days, as some sort of my trademark as an amateur photographer. It somehow went out right, without any need for retouching or corrections, at least I perceive it this way.
Lilacs are gone here in Serbia for this year, just like many good thing are gone from my life – tonight I feel the depression sinking in together with those wretched pains that I still can’t get rid of. There is so much I would like to do, say, write down, there are so many things I would like to change for at least a tiny bit better in my life, but I simply can’t, I don’t have enough energy, luck, health… No matter how hard I try, there is always that sense of stagnation and being stuck in one place while the rest of the world spins at its own incredible speed without me.
Let’s hope that the next year will be a better one. May it bring more lilacs into my and your days!
Some beautiful photos of my fellow blogger Judy – http://www.crookedtracks.com inspired me to search for the folder from a distant spring when things were much better for me than they are today. I don’t have the date when they were taken and in normal circumstances it would be very hard to determine which spring this was, but PD is the infallible ally in this case. It was the spring of 2005 when anxieties almost completely faded away, thanks to Prozac kicking in at the time or something completely different which I’ll never know, but I had no problem to visit my father’s garden. This is the memory of some long forgotten inner peace that I dream to experience at least just one more time in my life.
We feared that there wouldn’t be any cherries this year because they are really sensitive to rain, but here is the proof how hard they fight to survive especially because my father doesn’t use chemical to protect them. They usually pop open or rot in heavy rainy conditions, but to my surprise even those that got cut open closed and healed their “wounds” and grew, leaving visible only some thin long scar marks. I’m glad they are here! 🙂
I don’t know why, but I’ve always liked taking close-up pictures, they just seem gorgeous to me. I would surely need a better camera for this type of shooting, but I’m pretty much happy with what I got. I hope some of you will enjoy them, too. 🙂
Another day has passed and I still have no clue as to what is going on with me, I spoke with a doctor but he seems as much puzzled as I am. I started taking an antibiotic for a UTI infection, that’s the only obvious thing for now and as for everything else, I can only state that my legs are killing me for how much they hurt. No numbness at least, and my fingers seem a bit more willing to collaborate, so I decided to share a mini-series of photos I took on 3 days before the illness came along. Snapdragon flowers started blossoming and when that happens, their flowers usually pop out one after another very quickly, but they also wither quickly as well. I’ve known these flowers all my life, in Serbian we call them “zevalice” which can be literally translated as “yawners” :)) – that’s because if you press and release them with your thumb and forefinger sideways, they look as if somebody is opening and closing his or her mouth, something like a huge yawn. 🙂 I don’t think I ever heard or searched for their English name, so when I finally found it today, I was a bit surprised to find out that dragons are associated with these interesting flowers. 🙂 Obviously in English the shape matters more than the movement when it comes to snapdragon flowers, which seems like a nice topic for a general linguistic research.
These radishes arrived today from my father’s little organic garden, to add some color to my hard and rainy spring days. Spring is the time of numerous awakenings, the time of change, the passage from ice to summer’s burning sun. Change is not always a bad thing, but I dislike change. I like things to stay the way they are, I like them to be palpably familiar. I need them to have some eternal, rock-solid shape and identity, so that I can cling to them in order not to be washed away by those mighty waves of anxiety. Sometimes I’m in desperate search of constants around me as there is nothing constant and unchanging about turmoils of my soul. But life isn’t based on universal things, it doesn’t stop to take the fixed shape we think it should have. It goes on, with us or without us, regardless whether we are ready or not.
Yes, I’m scared of spring. And this is my today’s way to challenge that fear.