I’m dedicating this unusual post to my fellow blogger Jim who has such an incredibly fascinating garden, home of many fabulous zinnias, among dozens of wonderful flower varieties – In Jim’s garden
His beautiful photos can truly heal the soul and as I watching them on the evening before my birthday, I commented how much I loved his zinnias’ photos and that they don’t grow so easily here where I live. Actually I had never had a zinnias’ bouquet in my home… till the next morning! 😮 🙂 Was is some weird, unusual coincidence or something else I have no idea, but the next morning I got up, my mom wished me happy birthday and showed me the flowers she bought for me. I took these, she said, because I thought you might like something new… I couldn’t believe my eyes! 😮 It was as if somebody translated them from the computer screen into my real life and it was such fun having them around, so I had to immortalize that moment with some beautiful photos. 🙂
My cleaning mission is surprisingly still in progress, very slow one though but progress is progress, I mustn’t complain. Yesterday I realized that my southern terrace flower box needed extra attention apart from just regular watering, so I ended up spending two straight hours there. Growing flowers in this extremely unfriendly place (Serbian summers always reach 95+ temperatures in this July-August period) because it is directly hit by boiling sun at noon was somehow out of question in the previous years of my life, then when things started going bad in my life these last years and when I needed something to cling to in the worst moments, flowers became one of my salvation belts and I wanted them to be present in this spot as well. It took some trial and error phases, but years went on and I realized what I could grow there and how. I just don’t understand why I never even considered the option of taking even a single photo of those nice little blossoms I manage to produce. Looking at them was somehow enough, and on some days just watering would be all I had strength to do in an entire day. So yesterday I took the camera, trying to capture different varieties that live together in one single earth box. Such a small piece of earth on the second floor and there are many photos, one for each day in the coming week! 🙂
I’m really attached to this photo, I can’t really say why – is the balance of colors, the balance and harmony between the flowers and the bug, or it simply hit that right spot somewhere deep inside me, but even when everything else was shut into almost forgotten folders, this photo remained as a reminder of better days, as some sort of my trademark as an amateur photographer. It somehow went out right, without any need for retouching or corrections, at least I perceive it this way.
Lilacs are gone here in Serbia for this year, just like many good thing are gone from my life – tonight I feel the depression sinking in together with those wretched pains that I still can’t get rid of. There is so much I would like to do, say, write down, there are so many things I would like to change for at least a tiny bit better in my life, but I simply can’t, I don’t have enough energy, luck, health… No matter how hard I try, there is always that sense of stagnation and being stuck in one place while the rest of the world spins at its own incredible speed without me.
Let’s hope that the next year will be a better one. May it bring more lilacs into my and your days!
Some beautiful photos of my fellow blogger Judy – http://www.crookedtracks.com inspired me to search for the folder from a distant spring when things were much better for me than they are today. I don’t have the date when they were taken and in normal circumstances it would be very hard to determine which spring this was, but PD is the infallible ally in this case. It was the spring of 2005 when anxieties almost completely faded away, thanks to Prozac kicking in at the time or something completely different which I’ll never know, but I had no problem to visit my father’s garden. This is the memory of some long forgotten inner peace that I dream to experience at least just one more time in my life.
We feared that there wouldn’t be any cherries this year because they are really sensitive to rain, but here is the proof how hard they fight to survive especially because my father doesn’t use chemical to protect them. They usually pop open or rot in heavy rainy conditions, but to my surprise even those that got cut open closed and healed their “wounds” and grew, leaving visible only some thin long scar marks. I’m glad they are here! 🙂
I don’t know why, but I’ve always liked taking close-up pictures, they just seem gorgeous to me. I would surely need a better camera for this type of shooting, but I’m pretty much happy with what I got. I hope some of you will enjoy them, too. 🙂
Another day has passed and I still have no clue as to what is going on with me, I spoke with a doctor but he seems as much puzzled as I am. I started taking an antibiotic for a UTI infection, that’s the only obvious thing for now and as for everything else, I can only state that my legs are killing me for how much they hurt. No numbness at least, and my fingers seem a bit more willing to collaborate, so I decided to share a mini-series of photos I took on 3 days before the illness came along. Snapdragon flowers started blossoming and when that happens, their flowers usually pop out one after another very quickly, but they also wither quickly as well. I’ve known these flowers all my life, in Serbian we call them “zevalice” which can be literally translated as “yawners” :)) – that’s because if you press and release them with your thumb and forefinger sideways, they look as if somebody is opening and closing his or her mouth, something like a huge yawn. 🙂 I don’t think I ever heard or searched for their English name, so when I finally found it today, I was a bit surprised to find out that dragons are associated with these interesting flowers. 🙂 Obviously in English the shape matters more than the movement when it comes to snapdragon flowers, which seems like a nice topic for a general linguistic research.
As I was resizing the photo of the dill from one of the previous posts, I realized that its tiny, elegant branches had a nice potential for some sort of artistic representation. It’s been ages since I found true joy in manipulating my photos in Photoshop, so I decided to give it a try once again. It’s like riding a bicycle, no matter how much time passes since the last ride, after those first, insecure, staggering motions you get back to it without problems and move away.
There is a reason why this artistic vein remained buried under layers of oblivion and that reason is not PD, quite surprisingly. 🙂 I had a fairly unsuccessful life episode at an art college where I was infallibly reminded time after time that I had no real artistic talent. My works were never appreciated or accepted, they always somehow didn’t seem enough – enough good, enough interesting, enough finished, enough special. With time I learnt to keep quiet and secure myself a place in some corner, letting my creativity stagnate and wither away in some sort of painful resignation. I shut up and shut myself up, convinced that I am a total artistic disaster. People sometimes don’t realize how much their words and attitudes can harm other people, even to the point of stopping them from living up to their potential. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to truly recover from this period and I think I’ll always be doubtful of my creative values, because every time I touch anything that has to do with visual art I have some sort of PTSD response. Tonight was no different, so bear with me as I try to come to some terms with his majesty Photoshop. 🙂
I mentioned that different people view the same thing with different eyes, so these were some of the possible interpretations of that same seemingly simple, green, aromatic herb. 🙂
Today I saw some really amazing blog entries by people whose blogs I discovered thanks to their visits to my relatively new blog. I am very grateful to everybody who stopped by and liked what I posted or decided to follow me and I sincerely admire how talented, interesting and special you guys are. Yet it makes me even more doubtful of my own qualities and what I have to offer to the world, doubtful of how well I can express myself in English or if I am creative at all. Anxiety’s first impulse is to back off, give up and mostly flight rather than fight I’d say as I already did on numerous occasions. I must be changing though because I decided to stick around a bit longer and keep this diary alive, as opposed to all those I started on paper and never persevered with. Something must be changing too because today I wiped all the dust away from my camera bag I once used to carry around a lot and which hasn’t been used literally for years till this spring. It’s hard to be only an indoor photographer because 65 m2 surely don’t offer infinite sources of inspiration, but my cactus decided to help me. Flowers helped me in the darkest moments in these last years, so maybe they can still give me hand. 🙂