There is time

I wish somebody told me long ago that there wasn’t and isn’t time to waste in this life. I know that all the people I was surrounded by meant the best for me and wanted to protect me, creating the illusion that I have “whole life” in front of me, that if I fail or miss an opportunity I’ll make up for it tomorrow, or next week, month or even a year. I believed in that illusion and “took it easy”, procrastinated, searched and researched mainly the things I liked and that appealed to me, without considering if they had any true practical application in this world. When panic disorder did its best to halt me in every possible way, so many times I retreated in order to suffer less, exchanging freedom for tiny insignificant moments of instant relief. I thought that I was still young and had time to recover to a certain extent and do something more in life.

There is time, I repeated over and over again, till my world tumbled down full force onto my obviously pretty immature head last September when my dad died. I started realizing how many life trains I missed and how many important skills I didn’t learn, foolishly assuming that “dad would do that” or that some things would somehow resolve on their own with time. I subconsciously trusted that opportunities would find me when I need them, and that I wouldn’t have to go searching for them instead. I stopped counting mistakes as their astonishing number fills my soul with tremendous pain.

There wasn’t time, I just didn’t realize it. Now that I do realize it, it completely elapsed. It’s too late. I should have chosen a completely different profession and focused on making some living and something of my life. I should have searched better for a soulmate and created some sort of home of my own on my own or with somebody else. I should have led a better fight against my demons and at least accomplished last spring what I can do today. I should have continued driving after I got the licence almost 15 years ago. What did I do instead? I closed myself in my room, waiting most of the time for panic disorder to pass. Unfortunately, it’s not a virus and it doesn’t last 7 days. My dad passed away sad and disappointed with me. I’m not very sure that he loved me much towards the end the way he used to years ago, and if I’m right I can’t blame him. I’m supposed to know myself best, and even I can’t define myself well any more. I mean well, I would like to help and do some good, but nobody is willing to hire me at 38 for some extra work, I’m “too old”. I can’t help mom much with the bills or drive her somewhere. Procrastion led me to the point at which I don’t only mourn my dad’s death, but also question the sense of my existence. The more time passes, the more I am convinced that it would have been much more fair and just if I died and my dad stayed to live. I feel completely useless, I’m just a burden with all my incompetence and health issues. I can’t even afford to fix the computer that broke down again, so I can’t be consistent even with just blogging. Everything seems to be against me, yet I still defy it – I’m blogging from the phone. Hopefully it won’t break down as well.

So to whomever reads this – don’t procrastinate. Whatever needs to be done, do it now. It’s ok to be sorry when you lose someone, but you don’t need to be sorry for all the wrong choices and missed opportunities as well at those sad moments. No matter what fairytales or other say, don’t believe them – there is no time. No time to lose.

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15 thoughts on “There is time

  1. Absolutely, life really is too short to sit and reflect on what we ‘should’ have done. When we use the ‘should’ word, in past or present tense, all are doing is stressing ourselves out. Feel the fear and do it anyway is what I say! šŸ™‚

    1. I totally agree with you, the “should” word creates so much stress and anxiety and it doesn’t serve any purpose. I even wrote a post about it. As for the fear, mine is not an ordinary kind of fear, it’s multiplied tenfold and totally out of proportion in some circumstances, imagine going on your own to a nearby store with a feeling you would have if you were about to jump out of a plane with a parachute for the first time. It’s one hell of a fight, but I’m not giving up. It’s just that there are no more opportunities out there, no ways to mend the “broken” past. I feel as if I were 138 years old and just silently waiting to pass away some day. Hopefully my post can serve as a reminder for at least someone out there who still has time. Thanks for reading and being there!

  2. Hi Tanja. You’re back. Me too. Or maybe you have been back while I have been absent. I don’t know. But I do know that there still IS time. Starting now! Are you wearing colorful clothes yet? Wishing you well, Jim.

    1. Hello Jim šŸ™‚ it’s so good to see you’re back – your new post is wonderful, bird photos are really superb šŸ™‚ I’m sorry I can’t comment on your site, my computer is dead again and this phone is not very good either, it freezes a lot with wordpress, it lets me do something only from the dashboard but touchscreen typing is quite a challenge. So bare with me if I write something strange. I’ve been back for some time, wrote a couple of posts, posted some photos of cemetery flowers… so much happened, I even ended up having an upper GI endoscopy, so life is indeed super hard. Things are not better with time, seriously they are even worse, there are just more and less painful moments, I still cry, I still have bad flashbacks and denial attacks. We’ve just had the 6 months commemoration day (that is very important over here, the last big service before the 1st anniversary) and it was traumatic. To mention just one thing, we had tons of heavy rain again and the earth on the grave collapsed downward, so in order to make it look at least a bit better for the memorial day I had to carry kilos of earth and fill the holes myself, we have to save money. Clothes are still the same, I grew used to them. Life is very lonely and human support would mean a lot. There times in life like this when nothing seems right, and you have no idea how to come out of the pit. This will have to end some day, hopefully I’ll survive long enough to see it happening. Take care, I wish you all the very best as always!

  3. I’ll try to make a practical suggestion, though you might have thought about this. If you can’t help Mom with the bills, maybe you can help totally around the house. Then perhaps, you can find a neighbor who also could use help around the house or yard for a few $, and then expand a little on the things you can do, and can show you have experience – and references doing.

    1. Thank you very much for thinking about the ways to make things better, I do appreciate it. Things would be somewhat easier if I lived in the States I suppose, because over there there are quite a lot of those small jobs people can afford to pay others to do them for you. Serbia is poor, now even in the worst way perhaps in my lifetime so everybody tends to stick to their own chores in order to save. Minimal monthly salary which is what most people get is around 200 dollars. Yep, two hundred dollars for a full time office job for example. So in American terms, I don’t need much to cover the simple basic bills, 200 dollars a month would mean a lot in my reality, but I have no means to earn them as they are a lot of money in my country. I tried, but doors remain closed. I help mom as much as I can indoors as I always did, but that doesn’t help her when she collects all the bills for the month and goes to buy us food. It’s all we spend money on anyhow. On the other hand, due to my health issues I have to search for things to do not very far from home, plus I can’t do something very strenuous, which all limits my possibilities. It honestly feels as if I’m banging against walls everywhere I turn around. There were better times in my country before and I should have used them more wisely, but now it’s too late for regrets. Hopefully somebody will be reminded of this and learn from my mistakes. All the best and thanks for being there!

    1. My dear Judy, thank you very much for the comment and for being there. I do agree that it’s never late to learn or try something new, but unfortunately we need to have life basics covered in order to accomplish anything in life. I think that I would for example go study again whatever could help me make things better at least for my mom as long as she’s still here, but I simply can’t afford that anymore. Also this way life lacks purpose, I feel I still have something to give, knowledge how to help, but somehow nobody needs it. Before I was too unwell to see things clearly, now I woke up to some extent but obviously I had been sleeping for too long. I have no idea what to do and that makes me really scared. I can only hang in and hope that eventually something good will have to happen too. Take care and thank you for being there as always! All the best!

  4. I am very big on maximizing my time. I only have one life to live and cannot be wasting it on something that is a waste. We will never get that time back. Lesson learned later in life…but better late than never šŸ˜ƒ

    1. I’m happy to know that you’re using your time well, you couldn’t have said it better – we have only one life and time flies surprisingly fast. It’s important to be proactive and prioritize things well, because the worst waste of time is when we waste it on regretting something we could have done but didn’t. I learnt the lesson or better said realized all this much too late. Take care!

  5. Thank you for “liking” my comment at one of the kelzbelzphotography’s blog. That is when I came across this sad blog but beautifully written at the same time. I am truly sorry about your dad and some of us here has been through the same life experience to which I can relate very well.

    You know, it takes us on our own to know what we understand later when we go through certain life experiences to know what we should have known long ago – like knowing that time is too short and not wasting it? …

    This year marked the 2 years after my daughter died in March 2013, and it was through her death that I have learned much more about life is all about and how I see things differently since then. Even though her death has cause us all heart break, but there are moments that I know she guided me and I learn much, much more than I did before …

    You take care. And I am looking forward to read more of you. I am new here and trying to fit in WP.

    Wish you a lovely weekend!

    1. Dear Sherrie, thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m truly very sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how terribly hard it must be to lose a child, a daughter who surely had so many more things to experience in life. My dad at least had a full life, the beginning of it was hard as he tragically lost his entire family when he was barely 2 so he never had a chance to get to know his parents and brothers, but from the college years on he pretty much did all an average person has a chance to experience in life and had some in my opinion really good years. Parent is a parent though, if a mom or dad was a good person, raised you with love and care, it doesn’t matter when in your life they leave you, you always regret not having had them around at least somewhat longer. I also can’t grasp the idea that my dad’s cancer spread so fast that he couldn’t try any real cure, all we could do was wait and watch the decline of someone who saved so many other people in his lifetime. I never meant my blog to turn into a diary of tragic events, I had a totally different idea when I started it, but the whole venture was pretty much unsuccessful. I spent a lot of time writing things that got erased, whenever I got a steady pace of publishing something held me back, events or broken camera or computer, as if something wanted me not to do it. Then I somehow shot really good photos, the last ones last August while things still seemed ok, after which everything went downhill. So many bad things still happen, as if it were a test of how much I can take and it’s really crossing the line of endurance. I don’t feel my dad’s presence in the sense that he’s here to help and protect, it’s as though he’s angry and unhappy, I can’t explain it, the atmosphere seems heavy and bad stuff happen all the time. I truly forgot the happy feeling. I do hope things are better for you, blogging can really be a nice experience if you persevere and make nice friendships. If you need any help with things I know, just ask. I’m following kelzbelz from my start I think, I’m amazed how well she’s doing after such a hard life battle she had to face. That is truly an inspiration. I wanted to blog more, but my pc is still dead and the phone is hard to use, it would be so good to have a working computer again. After 15 years of having pc at home this situation is very new for me, but I’m getting used to my new limited life conditions. It’s strange to become technically poor at 38 when you never were in such conditions before, but it’s something that must be endured. Lesson in humbleness I suppose. Makes PD even worse and erases dignity, but let’s hope I’ll survive. Thank you very much for thinking of me and warm wishes, you take care too and have a nice week! I almost gave up on blogging again, but your comment helped me to keep on fighting. šŸ™‚ Thank you very much for that and all the best, Tanja

      1. Wow … This is truly something of which I too, can relate, in this life. You know, not all people can truly understand this sort of loss feelings and one can truly understood this is when one has the same sort of experience.

        It is always depend on the individual themselves on how they accepting the loss itself and how we try to manage it. Like you said, lesson in humbleness teaches us more than it did to force yourself on it.

        I never like it when people tells me that it is ENOUGH – a loss of someone you love is never enough and I know that I have all the RIGHTS in this world to MOURN for my love one for as long as want it too. And for as long I do not ruin myself in the process of mourning, but I try to learn to better myself in so many ways I can.

        Like you, I did stop writing for quite sometimes because my heart was broken. Nothing inspires me to write until the death of my girl taught me that is not the way to do it. And with my pain that I turn it into my strength rather than to have it killing me, I use it to help my kids and my husband. Never the easiest, but I will keep trying.

        And you keep your faith closer in your heart, Tanja. Glad to get to learn to know you.! ~Sherrie~

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